Beyond the obvious, investing, the sports betting and a bit of comic collecting, one thing I'd like to do with a time machine is go back to right before Einstein's Eureka! moment about the Theory of Relativity, hang behind his shoulder, wait for it and shout, "A-Duh!" Just for laffs.

Michelle is just putting the finishing touches on Joyce Carol Oates' The GraveDigger's Daughter, and I, for one, am ecstatic. The back-cover, the side that faces me when reading in bed unfortunately, features a large photo of the author's corpse, inexplicably standing upright while wearing a plum hat and OMIGOD SHE'S STILL ALIVE! Call the paramedics, stat! There's a pulse. Faint, but a pulse.

"I was on iTunes the other night—and you know, alcohol and iTunes don't mix. I have every one of Hitler's speeches now."